thoughts about writing

I'm currently at the 11,507th word mark on this fic wip I have that's due next month.
Some time last week, I decided to dive deep-ish into the dongren tag on ao3 and read some of the fics that have slipped past my radar over the years. It's been pretty interesting.

This might seem absurd considering how consistently I've written since starting my last job, but something about being fully employed makes reading fanfiction difficult for me. It's hard to get into it. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the fics, especially those written by writer friends, but it's not the same sense of escapism and wonder I'd get when I was younger. So, since I quit my job last month, I've made a point to read more fics (and books!). (Mind you, it's not much, maybe less than 20, but I'm happy about that number regardless(!).) I love that fanfic writers are pumping out these stories, writing so creatively and imaginatively. We play with our dolls and are silly enough to translate that world of play into words.

While I was editing my wip just now, I found myself thinking about the influence that my job has had on my fic writing. Part of my former job involved putting my writing through pretty rigorous rounds of editing. One of my worst offenses when I started was having a weird attachment to passive voice. When I graduated college, I found passive voice very lyrical and close to my inner speech patterns. But my supervisors very gently steered me the other way, and I'm glad they did! Obviously, there's a place for passive narration in fiction, and I do still use it. but it helped me so much to see how...loosey goosey it sounds after a while. Another issue I had, and I think this was largely informed by all the academic texts from the early 20th century I consumed back in college, was my propensity for run-on sentences. My writing was so....irregular and dense and hard to trust and follow. Which, to give myself credit, was never something I actively avoided. But the editors called it out and molded my writing into something far more clear and concise.

I'm forever grateful. I got a lot better at thinking about readability while writing. And part of that is about finding the balance between providing adequate context and trusting readers to infer/interpret.

Anyways! I received a comment on an old fic of mine. It's a taekook fic from 2019 and the reader is a newish dongren reader (I think!). The comment was so lovely and thought-provoking, but before I get into that, I reread the old story and OHMYGOD. There are so many writing choices that make my eye twitch!!!! I have a lot of fondness for the older me that was writing fic without a care in the world, no plan, no beta no several rounds of editing, just stream-of-consciousness writing for the hell of it. But,,, OMG! There's a point where I randomly switched pov's in the middle of a paragraph! I still struggle a lot with clarity and readability but it's nice to see tangible evidence of me improving. YAY GROWTH.

Ok this ramble literally has no flow... MY BAD. Another point I wanted to make is about the experience of reading fic. I am too critical! And I guess this goes back to my job. I'm an editor as well, not only did I edit copy for the institution I worked for, but I also functioned as a structural and content editor. It's hard for me to shut that part of my brain off. And it's wild because I'm not being like critical or harsh while I read, I'm just noticing things and it's like an exercise on playing with language... very distracting stuff.

Anyways, this fic is due next month but I'd love to finish it soon. I start a new job and I don't want to be thinkig about the fic while working lol I'm going to try this time to put most of my mental energy and brain juices into work and other hobbies this fall.

I have 1 more fest fic due all the way in november and I've been thinking about all the dongrens that exist on ao3, all the dongrens I've written, and how I'd like to proceed.... do I want to try something different? Do I want to do some of the same things and just try to do them better? I have the beginnings of an idea.. or a feeling that I want to explore.... but I want the experience of writing it to be relatively painless lol so we'll see what I end up doing.

The comment I mentioned earlier - the reader said something that I've gotten a lot of times before which was that my writing is calming and hopeful. I started writing in 2017 and I've gotten a version of this comment over and over since then. and it's! so cool. HOWEVER, I've decided this post is too long so I'll talk about it in another post. That one will be about umm.... how I think writing is spiritual experience.

OK BYE

Writing as notions of divinity?

In my last post I said I would make a separate post about writing being spiritual for me. so that's what this is. to be more specific - i'm just thinking a bit about the overall themes and connective tissues across all my fics. someone said my fics are "calming and hopeful" which is pretty spot on to me. it's just funny because it's not my explicit intention, I think it's more of a consequence. I try not to imbue my stories with too much darkness. I don't like for my characters to suffer. I also try, when I write, to give characters good intentions. even if they're doing bad things, or hurting other people. this is for no other reason except for the fact that I think this is how people are in real life. I know it's crazy. but I think everyone thinks they're right, to some degree. and I suppose that comes out in my writing.

this is my blog right... so let me give a personal example. to start, my mom doesn't like this about me. she says i'm too forgiving, that i'm naive, and to use a spanish word "una pendeja." I actually agree with her. but I don't see myself changing any time soon. yesterday I went to mass and on my right wrist, I wore a bracelet that my former coworker gifted me. this lady, in my last month of working, reported me to HR for being "difficult to work with." According to her, I was bad a communicating, I hoarded information, and was disrespectful in meetings. there's more, but that's the gist of it. prior to this, we'd been working together under the same department for 4 years. while working together, we would confide a lot in each other. I know every detail of her last 6-7 relationships, I know about the day she ended her engagement, 1 week before her wedding. I know about the year her father died, and I watched her cry when she put her cat down. the day my dog died in 2022, she was the first person I told. I wept in front of her about my panic disorder and told her about my sister's miscarriage in 2023. she's 40something, I'm 29. the last 2-3 months I was there, she began to believe what my other coworker was telling her about the department, about me. That I was arrogant, unorganized, and probably, unqualified to lead. she believed this man (white, cis-male) over me. it was the most demoralizing and painful thing i've ever been through. no one, besides my family, has ever had the power to hurt me like that. tbh, i'm still recuperating.

do I think she's a bad person? no, honestly. I think she's dumb, yeah. I think she lacks a shit ton of skills, and her partial incompetence has continuously baffled me these last 4 years. But I can't bring myself to hate her. I was driving to mass and wondering if my inability to hate her is ridiculous. or a sign of weakness. my mom certainly thinks so! I feel very betrayed by this woman. I feel betrayed by several people at my last place of work. it feels like I was in a relationship, so incredibly vulnerable, and not only was I broken up with but also... reported. lmao. (idk if anyone is reading this actually but if you're wondering, the higher up HR department took my side and I was not fired. I quit!). 

I give the same grace to my characters, it's not really by choice. idk how to be that decisive with my hate and hurt. and I think part of me feels it isn't right to be. and I guess I don't like bringing that energy into my life, not even in the pretend worlds I paint! it affects my spirit. hence me using the word "spiritual" earlier!

last thing I'll say about "spirituality" and writing - creation of any kind is inherently a divine act. at least, in appearance. I think it's helpful to remember that, especially when evaluating art and all that.