Writing as notions of divinity?
Jul. 20th, 2024 11:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
imaginetheabsurdIn my last post I said I would make a separate post about writing being spiritual for me. so that's what this is. to be more specific - i'm just thinking a bit about the overall themes and connective tissues across all my fics. someone said my fics are "calming and hopeful" which is pretty spot on to me. it's just funny because it's not my explicit intention, I think it's more of a consequence. I try not to imbue my stories with too much darkness. I don't like for my characters to suffer. I also try, when I write, to give characters good intentions. even if they're doing bad things, or hurting other people. this is for no other reason except for the fact that I think this is how people are in real life. I know it's crazy. but I think everyone thinks they're right, to some degree. and I suppose that comes out in my writing.
this is my blog right... so let me give a personal example. to start, my mom doesn't like this about me. she says i'm too forgiving, that i'm naive, and to use a spanish word "una pendeja." I actually agree with her. but I don't see myself changing any time soon. yesterday I went to mass and on my right wrist, I wore a bracelet that my former coworker gifted me. this lady, in my last month of working, reported me to HR for being "difficult to work with." According to her, I was bad a communicating, I hoarded information, and was disrespectful in meetings. there's more, but that's the gist of it. prior to this, we'd been working together under the same department for 4 years. while working together, we would confide a lot in each other. I know every detail of her last 6-7 relationships, I know about the day she ended her engagement, 1 week before her wedding. I know about the year her father died, and I watched her cry when she put her cat down. the day my dog died in 2022, she was the first person I told. I wept in front of her about my panic disorder and told her about my sister's miscarriage in 2023. she's 40something, I'm 29. the last 2-3 months I was there, she began to believe what my other coworker was telling her about the department, about me. That I was arrogant, unorganized, and probably, unqualified to lead. she believed this man (white, cis-male) over me. it was the most demoralizing and painful thing i've ever been through. no one, besides my family, has ever had the power to hurt me like that. tbh, i'm still recuperating.
do I think she's a bad person? no, honestly. I think she's dumb, yeah. I think she lacks a shit ton of skills, and her partial incompetence has continuously baffled me these last 4 years. But I can't bring myself to hate her. I was driving to mass and wondering if my inability to hate her is ridiculous. or a sign of weakness. my mom certainly thinks so! I feel very betrayed by this woman. I feel betrayed by several people at my last place of work. it feels like I was in a relationship, so incredibly vulnerable, and not only was I broken up with but also... reported. lmao. (idk if anyone is reading this actually but if you're wondering, the higher up HR department took my side and I was not fired. I quit!).
I give the same grace to my characters, it's not really by choice. idk how to be that decisive with my hate and hurt. and I think part of me feels it isn't right to be. and I guess I don't like bringing that energy into my life, not even in the pretend worlds I paint! it affects my spirit. hence me using the word "spiritual" earlier!
last thing I'll say about "spirituality" and writing - creation of any kind is inherently a divine act. at least, in appearance. I think it's helpful to remember that, especially when evaluating art and all that.
this is my blog right... so let me give a personal example. to start, my mom doesn't like this about me. she says i'm too forgiving, that i'm naive, and to use a spanish word "una pendeja." I actually agree with her. but I don't see myself changing any time soon. yesterday I went to mass and on my right wrist, I wore a bracelet that my former coworker gifted me. this lady, in my last month of working, reported me to HR for being "difficult to work with." According to her, I was bad a communicating, I hoarded information, and was disrespectful in meetings. there's more, but that's the gist of it. prior to this, we'd been working together under the same department for 4 years. while working together, we would confide a lot in each other. I know every detail of her last 6-7 relationships, I know about the day she ended her engagement, 1 week before her wedding. I know about the year her father died, and I watched her cry when she put her cat down. the day my dog died in 2022, she was the first person I told. I wept in front of her about my panic disorder and told her about my sister's miscarriage in 2023. she's 40something, I'm 29. the last 2-3 months I was there, she began to believe what my other coworker was telling her about the department, about me. That I was arrogant, unorganized, and probably, unqualified to lead. she believed this man (white, cis-male) over me. it was the most demoralizing and painful thing i've ever been through. no one, besides my family, has ever had the power to hurt me like that. tbh, i'm still recuperating.
do I think she's a bad person? no, honestly. I think she's dumb, yeah. I think she lacks a shit ton of skills, and her partial incompetence has continuously baffled me these last 4 years. But I can't bring myself to hate her. I was driving to mass and wondering if my inability to hate her is ridiculous. or a sign of weakness. my mom certainly thinks so! I feel very betrayed by this woman. I feel betrayed by several people at my last place of work. it feels like I was in a relationship, so incredibly vulnerable, and not only was I broken up with but also... reported. lmao. (idk if anyone is reading this actually but if you're wondering, the higher up HR department took my side and I was not fired. I quit!).
I give the same grace to my characters, it's not really by choice. idk how to be that decisive with my hate and hurt. and I think part of me feels it isn't right to be. and I guess I don't like bringing that energy into my life, not even in the pretend worlds I paint! it affects my spirit. hence me using the word "spiritual" earlier!
last thing I'll say about "spirituality" and writing - creation of any kind is inherently a divine act. at least, in appearance. I think it's helpful to remember that, especially when evaluating art and all that.
